Sisyphus in Love
Photo by Guillaume de Germain on Unsplash
Photo par Guillaume de Germain sur Unsplash
Zachary Lo
(FR) L’amour et le chagrin sont parmi les rares sujets pour lesquels on peut toujours apprécier plus de conseils et de réconfort, en particulier provenant des sources les plus improbables. La philosophie est une de ces origines — un domaine souvent considéré comme trop dominateur et prétentieux pour offrir un soutien émotionnel. Cependant, certaines citations de Meditations de Marc-Aurèle s’opposent tacitement à ce jugement. Quoique Marc-Aurèle ait rarement mentionné explicitement l’amour, ses conseils pour s’orienter vers une vie épanouie et honorable peuvent également être réappropriés pour guider les amoureux.
“The gods had condemned Sisyphus to ceaselessly rolling a rock to the top of a mountain, whence the stone would fall back on its own weight... [a] futile and hopeless labor.”
The existentialist philosopher Albert Camus likened our mortal struggles to Sisyphus’ grave punishment. But how can such a comparison be accurately drawn when great joys such as love fill our days? Love, after all, is a sort of Sisyphean labor. For the entire duration of three score and ten years, we are equally prisoners to our passions and lovers as Sisyphus is to his rock and the gods who condemned him. Equally, we each endlessly toil away at our boulders on this quest to attain this flawless love that always seems hopelessly far away despite our effort. Why do we persist on, no less romanticize, a path where we may not find even footing?
“I love Cleopatra, but do I look like a Caesar to you?”
Cyrano de Bergerac is the story of a virtuous and witty musketeer who, despite his renown and elevated status, finds himself wedged between an impossible love and his own insecurities. We witness that, time and time again, the paragons of society suffer the exact same amorous gripes as any ordinary person — if no one is truly impervious, just what are we aiming to achieve with these silly little boulders of ours in a universe both so vast and indifferent to our plight? In face of a lack thereof, we often turn against ourselves for a remedy in seeking to become something superhuman — invincible to being let down. In other words, we seek an unattainable and self-destructive fantasy.
“One must not be a Caesar”
Plato’s prophesized philosopher king, Marcus Aurelius , would surely regard such unrealistic pursuits as mere unnecessary mental noise which leads indiscriminately to the downfall of every unsuccessful relationship. He warned that we must not aim to be Caesars — self-absorbed beasts engorged on the ego and driven by desire. Instead, he urges that we must simply be reasonable — our only duty. Marcus Aurelius would certainly have been a great source of relationship advice — the calm and helpful type that one would have wanted as a supportive mentor and ally. He would advise, as follows to a friend facing romantic adversity:
1. “Do not venture any further than the initial report. Stay within your first impressions and don’t add any more to your head — this way nothing bad can happen to you.”
Forget those hateful remarks. So often, the mind runs loose on its own to formulate expectations. Marcus Aurelius would suggest that you consider what you truthfully saw or heard and then consider how much you added to the initial report. Love is often even prettier than it seems.
2. “If you find yourself pained by the wrong of another, turn the reproach on yourself. Doing wrong is a mistake. You too have made mistakes. You should instead offer them your sympathy.”
To be hurt by the actions of your lover is a choice of interpretation, he would say. First, one should consider whether one has done everything in one’s power to be a loving partner. Should this be satisfied, no matter your significant other’s reaction, you have done nothing wrong! Listen to what they have to say, and if there exists no truth in the matter, respond to their hatred with kindness. Their anger is unfound, and one must address their loss of control with affection. Conversely, if you find the wrong to be your own, apologize and act accordingly.
3. “That which harms the swarm cannot be beneficial for the bee.”
In many ways, a relationship is much like a cohort or an office or a study group. Taking vindictive or selfish action will neither benefit oneself nor one's partner. Instead, one must help their lover to become better and further. Like a bee, build a nest that may shelter you both from the inevitable rainfall to come.
4. “You should not be dissatisfied because you only have so many years to weigh.”
Life is short and love is often cut short. Instead of wasting one’s efforts finding reasons to be unhappy with the status quo, one must be glad that things are not worse! Marcus Aurelius would urge that unreasonable dissatisfaction can only lead to further dissatisfaction, not improvement. Be a reasonable lover.
5. “You will find reasons to be mad if you think about being mad. You become what you constantly think.”
One must stamp out one’s anger before it develops into a grudge. As in any relationship, love is compromised by negative feelings whereas positive thinking will invariably result in positive actions and thus, positive results.
6. “The sweetest revenge is not becoming like your enemy.”
Never forget that one may recover and, further, improve from the harm done by another. One must not become worse from it. Marcus Aurelius would urge one to absolutely avoid “stooping to their level,” so to say, and to instead reasonably consider an ex’s shortcomings: one’s humor, or comportment, or infidelity. A direction to avoid.
7. “No person can lose what they don’t have. As neither the past nor the future belong to any person, and you are a person, you have lost neither. All you have to lose is the present.”
The ache of love that has withered to the stem is a painfully familiar one. It’s the result of the sense of ownership one has over their memories and, additionally, their hypothetical outlook of their relationship. Aurelius would argue, though, that we should dismiss such feelings, as neither of these sentiments are justified by ownership. The past is constantly acknowledged as a rapidly fading image; each of our daily legacies are labored and painstakingly crafted. Despite the arduous task, their paint chips with every passing moment, and they may be crushed in an instant, whereas the future was always a hypothetical in the first place and indistinguishable from imagination. Again, Aurelius would label these as unnecessary mental noise — an irritating buzzing that detracts from the present — a time that he urges us not to waste on negative sentiment. Sound advice for both lovers and recoverees.
8. “‘How unlucky it is for this to have befallen me.’ No! How lucky it is that this has happened and that I remain unscathed!”
One must remember: they are not the first to have their heart broken, far from it. Many others have suffered exactly what they have, and certainly even worse. And not all of them have emerged uninjured, no less survived! One must turn the reproach on oneself for not feeling grateful for the learning experiences that have sprouted from the preceding season’s decay.
“The struggle itself is enough to fill a man’s heart...one must imagine Sisyphus happy”
Love indeed, seems like an unending chore at times. But one must approach it respectfully and play the game honorably. It is only in embracing one’s duty to be fair and kind that the joys become obvious. Otherwise, one is truly taking on a Sisyphean task: an unsatisfiable punishment for a cruel offense.
Beyond the horrible things one can commit in a relationship is an often-contradictory existence that we must come to terms with — matters which have passed one way, but that one wishes had gone another. Regardless, the fact is there, uncaring of what anyone had planned. All one can do is their best, and if that’s not enough to keep the relationship afloat, then it wasn’t their fault at all. Conversely, if one hadn’t done their best, then they may find solace in the fact that they now have the untapped potential to nurture a better relationship to fruition.
It must be conceded though, that neither Camus’, nor Cyrano’s estimations were far from the truth. It is true that our perpetual quests for perfect love is truly absurd in its unattainability. And that neither Caesar nor Cleopatra exist beyond our fantasies. “But all is well,” answers Marcus Aurelius.
“Waste no more time talking about what a good [lover] should be. Just be one.”